this is hard

I start to post something several times a day...and then I don't know what to say. I feel like always being happy-go-lucky is a lie and not a true representation of our life. But I feel like talking to much about our heavy hearts is not always right.....we are sad at times, but haven't lost our joy. And I don't want to overwhelm my blog readers with my (at times) overwhelming emotions....but I also don't want to not document this journey. I looked back on my entries leading up to Tyrone's first deployment and there was almost nothing of substance, nothing where my past self told my present self that I had felt this way before and made it through....so, here I am :)

I cannot say, of course, when the exact date is, but our time with Tyrone at home is short. Very, very short. Sometimes it is a little hard to breathe....I look at him and try to memorize what it's like....every nuance of him being here in this house. I imagine looking up and NOT seeing him there and try to do myself the favor of living in the moment and enjoying what I have right this second.

His deployment date has actually changed several times and one of the dates has come and gone already....which is hard. I love the extra time with him, but to prepare the kids and my own heart to say goodbye and then to have the date set, changed, extended, put back to the original, and then pushed to the right is wearing, although that is the military life in a nut shell....hurry up and wait!

Part of my anxiety is that I am having a hard time picturing what our life without Tyrone here is going to look like. He is so much a part of everything I do, and is, I feel, the cornerstone of our family, that our lives will look very different. We will find our balance, but it's nerve racking to have that looming on the horizon but to be unable to truly prepare for it. Last deployment we moved home, and securing our house and moving our things took a good month and distracted me for a while....I don't have any such huge projects now. Life as normal.

I think that, more than anything, I am dreading the first night. The night when I have to come back and be alone...well, with the kids, but alone. When all I will feel like doing is crying and screaming, but of course I won't be able to. The one night where an entire year still looms before me and my heart and soul are raw from sending my love, my best friend, to war.

After that, I think it will be okay. After that night, we'll start to find our new groove. We'll cry and we'll be sad, and we won't know what's going on in the world because the news is too disturbing, but we'll be okay, and we'll have started our countdown. But that one night....I wish I could skip over it.