Tonight I am missing him. Tonight I have prayed and have given it to God as I have millions of times this deployment, but I have nothing left. Sleep is not coming, and there is no one to wake up and tell. The person that would wake up with me just because is not here. He would sit up with me. And when I would ask him "What about tomorrow? When the kids are awake and we are sleepy?" he would shrug and say "We'll do it together."
The days are slowly being crossed off of our calendar, but, just for tonight, I am tired of thinking and hearing "It's almost here." My Dad told me that almost only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades, and atomic bomb droppings. Homecoming is months away. And I miss him tonight. Thinking about homecoming makes me crazy. It makes me crazy because I have never in my life wanted anything so badly. I picture it....everything about it. And then I realize that it's just another day without him, that there is waiting left to do.
Just for tonight, with the kids in bed and nothing left on my to do list except sleep, I am sad and lonely and angry and tired. I am proud and I believe in what our military is doing and I am honored to be an army wife....but tonight I need him HERE. It's been too many days and too many nights.
I am tired of clogged pipes and of figuring out what size tires the Tahoe needs and of hearing our little boy cry out in his sleep for Daddy. Of finding missing paperwork by myself and being told that no, in fact, our Power of Attorney is NOT on file here and of sitting down with the boys to figure out which holidays Daddy will miss and which ones he will be back in time to not miss again.
I miss my best friend. Wonderful, beloved people have helped me through this. But I really need him back.
a very grey day....
Thursday, August 21, 2008
See these two sleepy faces? This is how Shiloh and I really feel.
Why do we feel this way? WELL...that would be because Shiloh has pretty much boycotted doing this:
Why do we feel this way? WELL...that would be because Shiloh has pretty much boycotted doing this:
for any length of time. (Disclaimer...I moved her head off the trucks after I took her pic, and they are the soft, squishy kind, anyway.)
I don't know why. I honestly don't. Let me give you a rundown.....
3 nights ago: awake at 3, up until 5:30, awake at 7
2 days ago: only 1 hour total of naps, although she normally totals 3 hours a day
2 nights ago: awake from 1:30 to 3:30, awake at 7
yesterday: 1 1/2 of naps
last night: awake from 3 until 6:30...when she was screaming bloody murder and I gave up on sleep
today: so far, 20 min. of naps....
I do not know why this is. But it is enough to drive me bonkers. If I don't get sleep at night, I don't get sleep, because there are 2 certain little boys who are not about to let me sleep when Shiloh does (now, Kaleb does say, "You can nap while we play, Mommy" very sweetly, but it's a ploy. If you fall for it, there will be no house around you when you wake up)
Shiloh IS teething, but surely that can't account for all of this when we have Tylenoled, Ibuprofened, teething tableted, orajeled, teething ringed, cold washclothed, etc. etc. This is NOT a fun time to have only one parent aroud (not that any time is but, this is very trying!)
I was thinking that part of it was just some willfulness, she doesn't want to be in her crib, or seperation anxiety (although my bed is only a few feet from her crib.) But, I have stuck to my guns, when she gets upset, I go over to her crib, and help her get settled back in, but do not make it play time or in any way stimulating. Also, this is not about her just losing her paci while asleep...she is perfectly capable of getting it back in her own mouth at this point and does so regularly.
I am open to suggestions! Somebody, HELP!!!
soccer!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Do we have future soccer stars in our midst? Well, I'm not sure I'd go that far, but we did have fun kicking the ball around outside today!
The brothers vs. nature....
Trying to figure out how to crawl without getting her knees on the grass!
The brothers vs. nature....
Trying to figure out how to crawl without getting her knees on the grass!and what an adventure it has been....
Six years ago today, Tyrone and I started our adventures together. And, like the title says, it's been quite something. I would have never imagined all the things that we have done and been through. I was 18 when we began seeing each other, so we have been together my entire adult life...and I can't (and don't want to!) imagine myself as not a part of this awesome team that we are together. I am incredibly grateful for Tyrone and for the 6 years that we have had....i can't wait for more!
11 months...one day late
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Shiloh turned 11 months yesterday. I didn't forget, but yesterday was an incredibly busy day, and by the time we got home, we were collapsing into bed. Only 1 month of baby-dom left. I don't think I'm ready.
my hero
Monday, August 4, 2008
My hero just got recognized for being, what else, a hero! Tyrone was given a hometown hero award by his unit in recognition of all the wonderful things and hard work and goodness knows what else that he isn't allowed to tell me about that he has done and continues to do. It is well deserved, and I am just BURSTING with pride. Way to go, baby!!
our weekend
Friday was my birthday, and also Shiloh's long awaited appointment with the cardiologist. Mom took the day off from work to help me with the boys and celebrate my birthday. Our day started bright and early, Tyrone was unexpectedly able to call me and wish me a happy birthday! Then, I dropped the boys off at Mom's house. Mom took Kaleb to church for music camp, and then she and Gabe chilled at her house.
So, on to the cardiologist! Shiloh was widely admired, and was tested just about every which way a baby can be! She was very good, and was given an absolutely CLEAN bill of health! The murmur is completely gone, which was an excellent way to start my birthday! There are no more follow ups, no more ekgs, no more anything. She is really all better! (On a side note, last Mon. we went to do her chest x-rays in preparation for this visit, I was worried that she would not like that. My worries were without merit. We told her we were taking her pic, and she posed how they wanted and, apparently, it doesn't matter what kind of pic it is, if you want to photograph her, she WILL smile.....shades of melissa?! lol)
So, after that, Shiloh and I picked up Mom and Gabe, and we went to the mall. Mom supervised Gabe and Shiloh at the softplay while I got a pedicure courtesy of my Grandparents!! (THANK YOU!!) Then, we went to get Chicago Dogs for lunch...yum! We did various other things in preparation for the evening festivities (Kaleb's show at church!), which I figured would be a terrific end to my birthday. After I had picked Kaleb up from church, we went to Mom's, who made dinner for us, and then we had some of my fantastic birthday cake (pound cake made by mom!!)
This is when the fun started. I realized that Gabe was wheezing. Mom and I conferred and I decided to run back to the house and do a nebulizer treatment with him, and then I would come right back, Mom would watch Kaleb and Shiloh, we had plenty of time before the show started. I got Gabe out to the truck, and I almost panicked. He was truly struggling to breath. He sat down in the middle of the road, not wanting to walk any further. I called Mom, and told her I thought the E.R. might be in order. She agreed and brough Shiloh out to me, I handed her the camera, and we were off.
I am not a speeder, but I did that day. Gabe closed his eyes and leaned his head back. I kept trying to get him to talk to me, which he did listlessly, with short answers, but I could not get him to open his eyes. When we arrived at the ER, they took us seriously. He was retracting, and he was pale. Someone pushed Shiloh's stroller for me, and when we got to the pediatric unit, someone was waiting and took Gabe out of my arms. There were immediately doctors and nurses surrounding us, and Gabe was put on oxygen, he was only satting between 89 and 90. This was scary. Very scary.
Three breathing treatments and an hour of oxygen later, we were released. It didn't last long. Gabe and I were back in the ER at 1:30 in the morning, complete with footy pajamas. No oxygen that time, but 2 more treatments and a chest x-ray. I also got the pleasure of seeing a man surrounded by police with his head busted open, getting stitches in the middle of the hallway. Yuck.
It was 5 in the morning when we got back home (Mom was here at the house with K and Shiloh). We slept until about 8, and then I went to fill Gabe's prescriptions. I was still concerned about his breathing, so Mom took K home with her, and I took Gabe and Shiloh to the hospital where Melissa works, and a wonderful respiratory therapist that she knows took the time to explain alot of things to me, and gave me a few things to add to his nebulizer to help him get better sooner.
Now, on Monday morning, Gabe is still not at 100%, but he is on his way there, I think. All three of the kids are sick, K with just a garden variety cold, I think, and Shiloh is a throw up monster (I hope that's OVER!) Anyway, it's been a crazy crazy, sleep deprived weekend. Mom made it so much easier by taking Kaleb and then spending all day Sun. at the house for moral support and to help with lunch and dinner, washing towels used in the clean up, and generally keeping me from losing my mind.
Lets hope for a peaceful week!!
Nebulizer every 4 hours, around the clock! He's a pro!
So, on to the cardiologist! Shiloh was widely admired, and was tested just about every which way a baby can be! She was very good, and was given an absolutely CLEAN bill of health! The murmur is completely gone, which was an excellent way to start my birthday! There are no more follow ups, no more ekgs, no more anything. She is really all better! (On a side note, last Mon. we went to do her chest x-rays in preparation for this visit, I was worried that she would not like that. My worries were without merit. We told her we were taking her pic, and she posed how they wanted and, apparently, it doesn't matter what kind of pic it is, if you want to photograph her, she WILL smile.....shades of melissa?! lol)
So, after that, Shiloh and I picked up Mom and Gabe, and we went to the mall. Mom supervised Gabe and Shiloh at the softplay while I got a pedicure courtesy of my Grandparents!! (THANK YOU!!) Then, we went to get Chicago Dogs for lunch...yum! We did various other things in preparation for the evening festivities (Kaleb's show at church!), which I figured would be a terrific end to my birthday. After I had picked Kaleb up from church, we went to Mom's, who made dinner for us, and then we had some of my fantastic birthday cake (pound cake made by mom!!)
This is when the fun started. I realized that Gabe was wheezing. Mom and I conferred and I decided to run back to the house and do a nebulizer treatment with him, and then I would come right back, Mom would watch Kaleb and Shiloh, we had plenty of time before the show started. I got Gabe out to the truck, and I almost panicked. He was truly struggling to breath. He sat down in the middle of the road, not wanting to walk any further. I called Mom, and told her I thought the E.R. might be in order. She agreed and brough Shiloh out to me, I handed her the camera, and we were off.
I am not a speeder, but I did that day. Gabe closed his eyes and leaned his head back. I kept trying to get him to talk to me, which he did listlessly, with short answers, but I could not get him to open his eyes. When we arrived at the ER, they took us seriously. He was retracting, and he was pale. Someone pushed Shiloh's stroller for me, and when we got to the pediatric unit, someone was waiting and took Gabe out of my arms. There were immediately doctors and nurses surrounding us, and Gabe was put on oxygen, he was only satting between 89 and 90. This was scary. Very scary.
Three breathing treatments and an hour of oxygen later, we were released. It didn't last long. Gabe and I were back in the ER at 1:30 in the morning, complete with footy pajamas. No oxygen that time, but 2 more treatments and a chest x-ray. I also got the pleasure of seeing a man surrounded by police with his head busted open, getting stitches in the middle of the hallway. Yuck.
It was 5 in the morning when we got back home (Mom was here at the house with K and Shiloh). We slept until about 8, and then I went to fill Gabe's prescriptions. I was still concerned about his breathing, so Mom took K home with her, and I took Gabe and Shiloh to the hospital where Melissa works, and a wonderful respiratory therapist that she knows took the time to explain alot of things to me, and gave me a few things to add to his nebulizer to help him get better sooner.
Now, on Monday morning, Gabe is still not at 100%, but he is on his way there, I think. All three of the kids are sick, K with just a garden variety cold, I think, and Shiloh is a throw up monster (I hope that's OVER!) Anyway, it's been a crazy crazy, sleep deprived weekend. Mom made it so much easier by taking Kaleb and then spending all day Sun. at the house for moral support and to help with lunch and dinner, washing towels used in the clean up, and generally keeping me from losing my mind.
Lets hope for a peaceful week!!
Nebulizer every 4 hours, around the clock! He's a pro!kaleb the star!
Kaleb spent everyday last week at church working hard to be in the musical that the kids were putting on! (reminds me of K.I.C.K, Grandma!) The kids put in a lot of time on this, spending everyday from 9-3 at church! Their performance was Friday night. Unfortunately, I had to miss it (details on that coming) but Mom took Kaleb, and I sent my camera, and by all accounts, the musical was impressive, and K did a great job!We are so proud of Kaleb! Now, here are some videos!
Way to go, Kaleb!!!!
funny girl
I am back! I have lots to update, but I will start with the promised Shiloh videos. Check back, though, because before the day is done, I will have put up 3 (at least) posts.
Sorry that this first one is sideways, but you still get the idea! I told Mom that I wanted to get one of these for Shiloh, because she was trying to walk by pushing all manner of toys across the floor. Mom showed up a couple of days later with it! She had the concept instantly, and you can just see you happy she was! This was last week, but she is still just as thrilled everytime she gets to play with this!!
Sorry that this first one is sideways, but you still get the idea! I told Mom that I wanted to get one of these for Shiloh, because she was trying to walk by pushing all manner of toys across the floor. Mom showed up a couple of days later with it! She had the concept instantly, and you can just see you happy she was! This was last week, but she is still just as thrilled everytime she gets to play with this!!
Poor baby girl was soooo sleepy, and I was trying to keep her awake until her bedtime. If you watch, the second time i wake her up, she actually takes a bite of carrot and then falls back asleep-classic!
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